First, let me explain that sexual fantasy is something that we are rarely very verbal about. We tend to keep such details to ourselves. There are a lot of therapists that talk about sexual roleplay is healthy in a marriage relationship, and that's certainly true. You should talk about your sexual fantasies with your spouse, for a couple of reasons. The most basic reason for this is simple: trust. Couples who do not really trust each other tend to have a lot of strife in their sex lives, not to mention the rest of their relationship. The other reason is more detailed, and will be discussed here in a bit. It does, however have a lot to do with how women's sexuality works.
Trust is important in a marriage, because unless you are a unified front, all of life's trouble, both large and small, will infiltrate the relationship. The trust necessary is a trust on many different levels. The trust that your spouse will be there for you when times get tough, the trust that your spouse will not hurt or harm you, the trust that you are the one that your spouse is devoting his or her life and time to are very important and basic if the marriage is going to succeed. There must also be trust that the spouse will support you in your career, do their best in raising children, and so on. The trust necessary to share sexual fantasies is not so different than the prior examples. You are trusting your spouse with very personal, intimate information. In discussing your fantasies, please try not to be judgemental or derisive...after all, if you are, the discussion will end pretty abruptly on a flat note, and it is likely that your spouse will never reveal such personal information to you again. The amount of trust inherent in your marriage will also most likely suffer as well. Pick a time when you are both relaxed, a time of closeness, and then start the conversation. Be willing to discuss not only their sexual fantasies, but your own. Trust is, after all, a two way street.
The other reason that sexual fantasy is so important, is because that in the area of sexuality, women are much more living in their heads than men are. It is said that the biggest erogenous zone in the body is the mind, and with women, this is very much true. Where most men can become aroused just at the thought, or by seeing the act itself, women are a bit more difficult to really get worked up. If a man finds out what his wife's sexual fantasies are, he is seeing the major crossroads of where her mind and her sexuality meet. After he knows what her fantasies are, he needs to compare them with his own, and see if he can locate some common ground. For example, she has submissive fantasies, such as being a slave. His fantasy is a naked woman with jewelry. He can combine this into a harem girl brought to pleasure him wearing nothing but jewelry. Not bad, huh?
Now for the really specific part. Once he knows what her fantasies are, the next time that he is having sex with her, he can start talking to her about that fantasy, even as he is going through the motions of arousing her (if he is not trying to do this, the fantasy will help a little but not much). As he is arousing her physically, he talks to her, not in a clinical way, but putting her and himself IN the fantasy. "I like the jewelry, but let's see if you are good enough to wear it. You'd better do a good job of pleasing me, slave, or you'll be wearing dime store stuff from now on." is an example, using the fantasies discussed above. So you are not just touching her, you are not just turning her on, you are putting her in the position of main character of her fantasy. And he of course is her leading man. Strengthen that theme throughout, even after the sex acts themselves have started. Watch her reactions, and hone that fantasy, dwelling on those parts that she responds the most to. Another advantage to driving home this vocally is that it distracts him enough so that he is able to last longer.As she becomes more and more aroused, he should move the emphasis of the fantasy from her specific fantasy to that area of common ground that I mentioned earlier. This is so he can start becoming more involved, more a concrete part of the fantasy, and raise his level of arousal as well. If he talks too long and distracts himself TOO much he may not be able to orgasm as he has spent too much time and attention away from the sensation. She will react to his increased level of arousal as well, and soon, a very hot scene will develop. This is also useful in that later, when she fantasizes, she will likely put him in the fantasy specifically, remembering what they did that turns her on. That's why an occasional check-ups on the fantasy life are a good idea. It shows him what impacted her the most.
This is just one part of a very complex and subtle process. I will discuss other parts of this process in the coming weeks, and even be happy to answer any questions you might have. I'll see you next time, and until then, have fun!
